I’ve always had a plan. Always planned out how my life was going to turn out. It was my goal to achieve my plans. I’m an organiser. A planner. My own personal assistant. Even from young I knew what I was good at and I would research jobs that would allow me to use my skills and talents. I always worked with a plan. If you knew me at university, you would know I had a whiteboard in my room with a plan on it every week. I’ve never really been in any position that my plans have had to change; and even if I have, I’ve worked with it. I did 3 years of college, but I always knew my plan was always to go university so regardless how long it took I reached it. My plans always ‘work’ out. I believed in my purpose, believed in my spirit, believed in myself to achieve such goals and be successful. People around me (before I dashed them away) always told me “you’re naïve” “you live in a fairy tale” “why do you love everything and everyone and see no wrong”. That’s when doubt started to set it. I achieved because I was motivated to do right.
My life was going right… I knew university was going to be hard but the reward of freedom after would cast away all the pain I suffered in the past and university. I never needed to adjust my plans. But you know what? 2020. Wow. It was a year of changing plans. I have been suffocated. The pandemic is suffocating. My parents plans for MY life are suffocating. I never got the freedom I thought I was going to get, the holidays, the sun beating on my face, the money making, the parties, the late-night convos, the BBQ’s… the freedom. I never got that. I was going to come home and find a church and fellowship. I was going to put everything I learnt about being an adult into practice. I was finally going to be free. But my plans changed. I always saw myself working in a hospital I was ready to walk the corridors and put smiles on faces of people who lost hope in their health. I was ready to be the light the world needed. But my plans changed. The thought now of working in a hospital terrifies me. Low mood and fear corrupted my spirit. The hurt, the guilt, the disappointment of my mistakes that I have made in the past hit me. The happiness I once felt, disappeared. The green grass started to dry up. The hope I had in loving people turned dim. My dreams and plans were moved by love and peace. But now my dreams? I don’t even have dreams no more. My dreams I once had scare me now. I had no plan. Actually no. I have no plan.
I’m writing like I’m over it. I’m not over it. I’m struggling. I see no love. I feel no peace. I even struggle to enjoy a hug nowadays. I’m not lost. I’m sad. I’m suffocated. Something is on my chest. I cannot breathe. My light from within is dim. I’m trying to stay afloat. It is easy to watch sermons and listen to people when they say, “everyone is going through it” and it isn’t that I don’t believe but it’s more of the fact I can’t believe. My brain cannot comprehend all the nice things that God has done or even what He wants to do for me in my own life. I can’t see it right now because I am in the midst of it. And when I reflect, I know I will be the disciple that will ask God for a miracle and when He allows me to walk on water, I will sink because I have so little faith. It is easy to listen and read the Bible and hear that God is with me through it all and that better days are coming. But I can’t see it. And that is my problem. I have always seen an end to my troubles, always seen a plan that will prevail in my favour. But right now, I see nothing. My dreams have had to be put on hold and that is something I have never had to deal with, my faith has had to be strengthened which, I’m sorry but I have never had to fight this hard to stay faithful and trust God. I know I am going through it right now; some days are so much harder than others. Yes, before you positive people interject, I have learnt a lot about this process but it doesn’t make it any easier. I have kept quiet because wow the pressure I put on myself is finally too much and now I am in the process of changing and adjusting my thought patterns. I have lost my confidence, my self-esteem and my worth. I haven’t lost everything because that would be dramatic, but I have lost everything of myself. I am trying to believe that God has a hold of me, and He won’t let me fall. He has definitely shown me things I need to heal from and forgive wow (a story for another day). Maybe that’s why my dreams have lost their light, maybe God is telling me to work on myself before I go help others. The verse ‘Love your neighbour as yourself’ I don’t even love myself, so how am I meant to love others, show love or even believe in love if I simply cannot love myself?
I am still learning, and I am still waiting. I mean, I wrote this post to let out some of my emotions, so really, selfishly, thank you for reading. But truly, I hope there is someone out there also struggling or even someone who is finishing university this year and is starting to get scared of the their future to read this and just know even me the ‘church girl,’ ‘the white girl with faith’, ‘the girl who lives in a fairy tale’ is also struggling. I still don’t know where this dark valley will lead me. I don’t know how long for, but I praise God always for the lessons He has been teaching me along the way. Through this season, I have learnt that I am impatient, well I knew I was but wow, not this much. But you know, God has made me wait. Wait for a job, wait for a relationship, wait for His word, wait for happiness. He has made me wait. It is something He will most probably continuously teach me because sometimes I don’t listen. He has taught to me to wish good in everyone including my enemies because even my enemies are fighting inner battles that no one knows of and truly, what I have experienced with such worry and sadness I wouldn’t even wish this on my worst enemy. ALSOOO, you know what, God has even taught me to lean on others when I need help. The heck, I have even cried to people. That is big for me because I love to brush things under the carpet and then when it gets too full under there, it all comes out at once. But I believe God has not only shown me angels in human form to guide me, pray with me and cry too but also, He has shown me that I don’t have to do life on my own. I am learning to break the rules and expectations I have for myself (defo another story for another day) but the pressure I give myself, I know God is telling me to let go and let Him. These are a few things I have learnt within the season I am in. Sometimes it is lonely, sometimes it’s scary, I haven’t got the hang of it just yet, but I KNOW GOD IS FOR ME AND WITH ME. And I pray you start to believe it too. If I can do it, so can you. We are going on this journey together and I’m bringing God with us even if you don’t want Him too.
Psalm 23 (TPT version) says: ‘The Lord is my best friend and shepherd’. Let Him protect you with His rod. Let Him guide you to the mountains to rest. Please take care of yourself. Don’t lose hope for better days. Jesus has won the victory for US!
Love Anon x