everybody’s story is different. as a controversial character, its kinda hard explaining how I am and most days I put 100% blame on the ‘streets’ lol. half of the time I hate when I say that because it’s as if im using that an excuse or a pathway for failure to creep in… but that’s not part of my portion.
growing up I never knew what lengths life can go to and ever since sixth form it’s just made me realise everything. university is where it tried to challenge me in everything I do but I never let it get to me, but I can say it’s been a shaky ride. lool you’re probably wondering what I’m talking about; the slums, the hood, streets, ends, whatever you want to call it.
I lost my first friend March 19th 2017 to it. yeah lets just call it, ‘it’. people think its cool be a gang member, or its cool to be a part of it – which is really not the case. I was one of them people from young because of the sole purpose of me growing up in it. from the first day of secondary school (maybe even before that) I knew I was always gonna be affiliated with fools looool, but at the end of the day these people were my family. back then, it was only the olders from my area who were really on what they were on. all of us; literally all of us played football and that’s all we chased.
me certainly, I had no time for the roads I had a straight vision on becoming a pro in secondary. from around year 8 to year 10 I was half hearted about football until it really started going off for me. hovering in non-league, playing county football and expanding on my network it was looking like I was really going to make noise but that was me only. in my squad of like 12+, slowly and slowly everyone began to give up and started losing passion for the sport as they were ageing. I don’t blame them. same reason why I stopped, if im working hard for something and the results aren’t showing its gonna demotivate me. heavily. luckily (and I can only thank God) this was the case when I started university and not at the beginning of sixth form.
this is when gang formed and there was no looking back. half of the time we would just post up on the block and half of the time I was with my new school friends. see me, I’ve been in conflict with with my life decisions for time because some of the days I wanna be with gang and this was normal to me back then and half of the time I wanna be with my football lot, old school lot even with my slimes (looool if you know you know). I hated being with the gang members because I would be doing things out of my character which I knew wasn’t good for me at the time but I couldn’t just stop hanging around with them. it’s harder then you think. it would’ve been weird for someone popular (not gassing up my ting LOL) but to just stop and leave my family and cut off all ties.
at the end of the day I need them just as much as they needed me. every other day you would hear that the mandem have done a mad ting, or that they’re beefing someone new or whatever. it was annoying because for me and my lot who were heavily affiliated we would have to be careful now even tho we were not involved at all. ‘wrong place, wrong time’ is what was constantly lingering in my head when I would step out in another area knowing I shouldn’t be there.
‘DON’T. BE. MOIST’ is what half of the black boys in London live by and sadly this can kill you.
I always sit back and deep how I was living back then, how I’m living now and just get myself angry at the fact that I didn’t excel in football in how I wanted to. see that’s what ‘it’ does to you, it just wants to chuck you out whilst strangling you, keeping you down which pissed me off. all I wanted was for me and the mandem to get out of the ends and just do our own thing. again, not as easy as it seems. 3 of my boys died in under a year. 3. every single time haunts me and finishes me and if you know me I don’t speak of these moments like that at all. I remember how I felt every single time and it rages me inside because of the fact the cycle is repetitive and nobody learns or even wants to learn. I’m a smily yute, always making banter, always deemed unserious but trust me its hard to know how I’m feeling because I can’t show expression. it’s too weird but it’s the way I grew up, I don’t want to chat to anybody because it’s none of their business.
me going uni was a good decision as it stops me from being in the ends doing nothing at all, and it takes majority of my time. lool my mum too, she forced me to way too much. here at uni is where I realised that the roads are dead, completely air and it does nothing but diminish you. it’s just a stupid social construct which needs to be destroyed. and again, its not as easy as you think when people are glorified for going jail and coming out for bussin an M charge or moving half of box of weed a week constantly and bussin down their watch???? society is backwards. fr lol.
example, DigDat went jail for 5 years at 13, comes out at 18, does music for about 6 months drops Air Force, becomes an artist and his remix enters top 20 in the charts? whilst a bruddah who does him, literally not involved at all, has no affiliation to know gang whatsoever, passed at every school barrier and graduates with a 2:1 and is then struggling looking for work living at home at the age of 24/25 with no solid income? peak lol. it happens tho, its life cannot even lie. I’m not putting down DigDat’s ting coz if it was me I wouldn’t complain cuz loooool but at the end of the day none of that shit is worth it. nobody is saying to be a goody two shoes or a pu**y but at the end of the day know whats right for you cuz…
if you wanna make £ then do that. if you wanna do music do that. sports do that. education, do that. do whatever you want. just know what you want in life and how you wanna be living in the next 10, 20 whatever years fr… #NORAPCAP!!